Childbirth Class Chronicles

I don't want to get kicked in the leg tomorrow so I am recycling some old material that I posted on Facebook last year. Please enjoy the Childbirth Class Chronicles. Expecting fathers may find this post more helpful than an actual childbirth class.

WEEK ONE. 

they don't give out grades at childbirth class, but if they did, i got an A. probably only a B for kate since she asked a question that had already been answered. biggest takeaway: the birth is harder on the woman than the man.

WEEK TWO. 

watched a couple videos that had to be rated at least NC-17, would have appreciated a heads up on that. also learned there is very little offered in the way of support or medication for the father. biggest takeaway: in order to relieve the mother's pain, they drill a hole into her spine and jam stuff in it.

WEEK THREE. 

still at the head of the class. even made a joke tonight to show everyone i'm not all brains and good looks. tonight we learned that mothers have several ways to combat labor pain including bouncing on a ball, leaning against a wall, sitting in a chair backward like fonzie, or simply by ignoring the father. biggest takeaway: a c-section is a little worse than a saw movie.

WEEK FOUR. 

i'd like to use this update to discuss the people in our class rather than the content. tonight we parked early and saw a couple leave the dome light on in their car. walked into class and found they'd also taken the seats kate and i usually occupy (in the back, where cool people sit to learn). i still told them about their dome light folly and the father went and turned it off, therein avoiding a dead battery for the drive home. upon his return i was a little disappointed to hear no talk of a reward or even giving up our seats. another mother insists on asking five (or more) questions every week, costing us an extra 10-20 minutes of class time, and it's adding up. i hope she has a really long labor. during the break our teacher played a song by Maroon 5 that drives me up the wall, so instead of using the break to relax i made the following observations of the class:

1) hipsters have kids too.
2) some fathers already seem frantic.
3) every chick in the class is getting bigger.
4) just like in 7th grade, when the teacher tells us something especially disgusting the class deals with it via robust giggling.
5) i think several people look forward to class purely for the free snacks, which are of marginal quality.

i was planning to raise my hand tonight and suggest a pizza party for our final week but now i'm not feelin that idea anymore. gonna try to get over all this stuff and bring a better attitude to class next week. i think my negativity prevented me from being the exemplary student i usually am, which isn't fair to the rest of the class. still, i managed to learn a few things. biggest takeaway: in the weeks after birth, mothers often sweat a lot more and also lose a bunch of hair.

WEEK FIVE. 

tonight was too much. feel sorta traumatized, like when they showed the car wrecks in driver's ed class. kinda wanna wash my eyes with bleach. gonna go to bed early and try to forget as much as i can. i'll post a proper update tomorrow. goodnight, moon.

WEEK SIX. 

the last class. diane didn't give us final grades but on the way out she gave me a look that said 'you got an A.' the first thing we did was have the all fathers change the diaper of a plastic practice baby. i've never handled a diaper before but i was the first one done. was still feeling jazzed up from the packers win and almost spiked the baby, but exercised restraint instead. kind of worried about kate's swaddling skill set. i was making tight burritos worthy of a chipotle wrapper and kate was putting up loose meat sandwiches. learned that one reason a baby's arms get swaddled down is they'll periodically wake up and see their arm and get confused as to who it is and become too upset to sleep anymore. does my dog know whose tail that is? does he chase it because he's worried it's another dog? when does a baby become smarter than a dog? diane asked if any of us were a colicy baby and kate was one of just two people to raise their hand. later i told her i wasn't cool with that and she just demonstrated more baby colic symptoms. was disappointed no sort of yearbook got passed out. baby class is all done and we are about a month away from a baby. a gumbo of anxiety, excitement and terror is reaching a simmer in my gut. going to swaddle myself and sleep til dawn while i still can.

EPILOGUE. 

kind of missing childbirth class tonight. e-mailing diane about rounding up the old crew for a reunion. maybe i can also help out with future classes? kind of like when professor lambeau would pop into robin williams' classroom in good will hunting. who knows, maybe she will ask me to take the next savant under my wing and maybe somehow i hang out with ben affleck a little bit. also realized i don't know where to park when all this goes down, never saw a valet.