Thursday, September 29, 2011

Hanna Rewrite





mike: im pretty positive you'll like the movie HANNA
gllen: was ok
gllen: 7.5
gllen: could of had more lasers
mike: and an earthquake right
mike: an earthquake on an asteroid hurtling towards earth
gllen: yes. exactly.
mike: with vin diesel shooting lazers out of his eyeballs at it
gllen: that sounds amazing
gllen: 9.9
mike: ill start writing
gllen: SCENE 1: Closeup of alarm clock going off, DJ saying something about "mysterious power outages", cut to vin diesel waking up with some hot babe that he just met last night, then there's some knocking at the door, it's his landlord, his rent is late!
gllen: SCENE 2: Same as first part of old Hanna, but all the BS removed, just the fighting scene
mike: EXTREME CLOSE UP: vin diesel slams his eyes open. he declares to the fatigued slut, "i aint got time for rules today." he leaps from his eagle-shaped bed and kicks the door open. the landlord falls backwards down the stairs. diesel snaps his fingers, which creates a flame that lights his cigar, and sneers "that first step is a doozy, AAAHAHAHA." out of the corner of his eye, he sees an asteroid hurtling past the moon.
gllen: lol
gllen: "i aint got time for rules today."
gllen: lololol
mike: SCENE 2: EXTREME CLOSE UP: vin diesel slams his living room window open. he slides up the side of his apartment building to the roof. he pounds his chest in the direction of the asteroid, and before he can say something awesome, the president's helicopter lands on his super ripped shoulder.
gllen: lolol
mike: SCENE 3: screen is black for 5 minutes while a badass chemical brothers song plays.
mike: EXTREME CLOSE UP ON BLACK SCREEN
gllen: this movie is OMGBBQAWESOME
mike: im going to take a shower and think up scene 4. unless you vision board it first.
gllen: i can't think of anything, but I'm getting super pumped just imagining a chemical brothers song there
gllen: a real fucking awesome start to a movie and then no credits, just a black screen and 5 minutes of chemical brothers, would seriously be like OMG. FUCK. YES.
mike: lol
mike: SCENE 4: the president jumps out of the helicopter, does a somersault in the air, and sticks the landing. it's harrison ford. he stands up and rips his mask off and it's really morgan freeman. vin diesel spin kicks the president in the face and knocks the black off him. the president is really paul walker. he grabs vin diesel's cigar, takes a puff, and says "let's kick some asteroid, bra."
gllen: so many twists
gllen: that was like 3 sixth senses in a row and it's not even over
mike: i cant even count to how many oscars this movie is going to win
gllen: IMDB is going to have to add a whole new digit to their ratings
mike: eleventeen.
gllen: Scene 5: Slow mo of pres, vin and hanna in swat gear walking towards space shuttle, hot chick crying in background
mike: like 10 hot chicks crying
mike: TURBO EXTREME CLOSE UP: the token tramp in vin diesel's eagle bed slams her eyes open. she stands up and walks across the room while an awesome song starts playing. she rips off her mask and it's really steven seagal. he picks up a dossier on hanna, sits naked in a chair and reads it on screen for 20 minutes, and then punches it until it explodes.
mike: SCENE 6: steven seagal stalks the president and vin diesel and hanna down the rickety pier to the space shuttle. right after they strap in he backflips over to the side of the craft and sticks to it. no one sees him. EXTREME CLOSE UP: on the horizon, the chemical brothers are performing a another really badass song on the back of a great white shark that has a tribal barbed wire tattoo all the way around it.
mike: SCENE 7: scene seven is a commercial for a new flavor of mountain dew that has bullets in it.
mike: SCENE 8: cut to the surface of the asteroid hurtling toward earth. there are a couple billion predator monsters with lasers on their shoulders running around. laser beams are flying all over the place. over by some rocks a bunch of predators are eating a deer. one of them stands up, takes off his mask, and it's gary busey.
gllen: i'm still stuck at the chemical brothers song, in my mind that is one of the best songs I've ever heard, how do you top that?
mike: ok imagine that like 5 scenes from now, we end up in a spot where the chemical brothers have their turntables set up on the surface of the sun, and they start playing a super awesome neck breaking jam that starts an earthqhake, on the sun.
mike: if that doesnt inspire you then i think we hold off til you drink next, i cant do all the heavy lifting alone
gllen: ok
mike: we finish this script and then sell it to michael bay for a billion dollars