Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Confessions of a Dangerously Bored Mind

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Yesterday I was at Target.

A girl was handing out samples of Starbucks® coffee.


"Would you like to try some coffee?"

"I'm allergic." (Lie.)

"Ohhh, well that is truly too bad!"

On my way to the checkout I passed her table again.

I grabbed a tiny cup of coffee, slammed it, tossed it in her tiny wastebasket and kept walking.

End of story.



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Tuesday, May 18, 2010

SOLEMATES!

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steve: gus has 1 kidney
steve: can't get over it
mike: not sure if i knew that
steve: he just found out
mike: WHAT
steve: yeah
steve: few weeks ago
mike: he has had all these surgeries and just now they realize this?
steve: yeah
steve: kinda like the moment i found out i have two different size feet
mike: 11.5 and 10.5 for me
steve: yeah me too
mike: same sizes !?!?
steve: your left foot is small right
mike: ARE THEY SAME SIZES AS MINE?
steve: IS YOUR LEFT FOOT SMALL?
mike: MY LEFT FOOT IS BIG
steve: WHHHHATTTTTTTTTTTT
mike: YES
steve: BOOM
mike: IS YOURS SMALL?
steve: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
mike: OMG
steve: WE SHOULD DANCE
mike: YOU ARE HIM?
steve: LOL
mike: YOU ARE MY SHOE SOULMATE?
steve: YES
mike: THIS WHOLE TIME?
mike: IT WAS YOU?
mike: I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR SOMEONE TO BUY SHOES WITH MY WHOLE LIFE
mike: AIOSDUHSALD;KJNSADA
steve: HOW DOES THIS HAPPEN IN REAL LIFE?
mike: APOSIDU;SADKJSALKDJSADSA
mike: I CANT BELIEVE ITS YOU
steve: A REAL CHRISTMAS MIRACLE
mike: THIS IS LIKE SLEEPLESS IN SEATTLE
mike: OR YOU’VE GOT MAIL
mike: THIS IS JUST LIKE THAT
steve: BUT BETTER
mike: A0IODSUSA09DUQ8W90D3IDHSA
mike: YOUVE GOT MALE?
steve: YES I DO
mike: i dont believe this
mike: ok, welp, when you get up here we're going shoe shopping together
mike: idc what people say
mike: or how gay it is
steve: i think our feet should meet first
steve: get to know each other
steve: find a sandy beach or something
mike: lets just lay flat on our backs and take our shoes and socks off and press them against each other
mike: you pick the music, i dont care
steve: beach boys
steve: i'm visualizing this right now
steve: i like it
mike: no, either enya or billy joel
steve: when did you first find out about your feet?
mike: the disparity became more prevalent in the last 10 years
steve: there had to be a moment
steve: where you realized your feet were not the same sizes
mike: in like 2000 was first time i tried on some shoes and said uhhhhhhhhh this is fucked hang on
steve: yeah mine was 2003
mike: idk if i just didnt notice in high school, or if they changed after that, or what
mike: at first i was angry
mike: i felt like a freak
mike: people staring at me
steve: honestly i thought the shoe companies were fucked up
steve: i fucked up my toe because of it
mike: yeah wearing a too small shoe is not an option
steve: exactly
steve: jammed my foot in shoes while playing sports
mike: but you wear a too big one and then you slide around and break your ankle and neck
steve: i always wore 2 socks on the small foot
steve: while playin sports
steve: never put two and two together
mike: yeah since that day, i always try on both, and then just walk around the shoe store shaking my head in self-loathing
steve: we should realy join a group…there are probably others like us




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